So ... I find myself this morning thinking about self-image. Where does it come from? Who defines us ... Who has helped to define me? A number of people have had a monumental influence on who I have become and who I continue to become. 

• Obviously my parents played a critical role both biologically and in the way they nurtured me.  Nature + Nurture! 

• One nerdy & humble man of God (first name, Jim) back in my sophomore year in high school, demonstrated that Jesus was bigger than church, bigger than Sunday morning, and alive & able to change lives still. He also let me feel around and find my own way to love Jesus.

• After college, I enlisted in the Army, and was shipped off to a few different places. I landed in Fairbanks, Alaska, certain I'd been set to the absolute end of the world. I was not too happy with God or my life at that point. Still ... God watched out for me, set me in a family there ... a family that loved Him. They became more than just friends ... they became mentors on many levels. (Another Jim & Barb - and 3 kids: Jerry, Lori, & Beth) They all taught me tons of stuff ... TONS! They showed me Family. Discipline. Communication. They became a life sized object lesson that heavily influenced my early notions of family.

• Then ... my Ex ... not a Jim! lol Sadly, he taught me a lot, too, but not usually good fun stuff. I found my marriage certainly didn't fit the mold ... or my dream. Still, I fought for it for nearly 20 years before I walked away, fearful that I would fall into the "mold" of the typical divorced woman. Another image I fought!

• My 3 kids entered this world loved. I've learned bunches from each of them, too, trying to discern their gifts and talents and steer them in their own individual path! I imagine I will continue to learn from them ... I tried to fit into the image I had of a perfect "mom," but ... I just didn't fit it! Then, for a time, I felt like a failure because I couldn't fit it ... sheesh!  So good to know that first, there is no such thing as a perfect mom or dad, and, secondly, since it doesn't exist, I don't have to fit it!  lol

• A company of delightful, fun, and amazing friends ... Someone told me one day when I wasn't thinking very well of myself, that if I line all my friends and family up in my imagination side by side, I will see a reflection of myself in them. Pretty good advice! This notion helped to re-adjust my thinking on a number of occasions.  Check it out!

I admit, however, that I'm the kind of person who is just arrogant enough to want to break through the expectations put on me by others.  I remember in 5th grade one day at recess ... (amazing what we remember, hmmm?) Anyway, it had snowed recently, and there was a large pile of snow beside the ball field. The other kids were playing kickball, but this one day, I didn't feel like playing kickball.  I felt like being by myself.  I wandered toward the pile and packed a snow ball, then pensively began to "carve" it with my mittened thumb. My teacher, Mrs. Hornbeck, slowly walked over and asked if I was OK. She interrupted my solitude and it irritated me.  I wanted to be alone. She was concerned for my well-being. Now, if it had been this way everyday, there might be cause for concern, but it wasn't everyday ... just once in a while. She coerced me into joining the kickball game. Fun ... but it wasn't what I wanted to do on that day. Point is ... she misjudged what I was doing and what I needed at the time by putting her expectations on me. 

How often do we "coerce" others into some image we have for them?

OK ... I digress ... There was a time when my parents were my identity. Then, my college was my chosen identity and I wore it like a badge of honor.  I joined the Army, rebelliously breaking from the path my parents and others may have set for me.  I was offered a commission, but declined it.  I wanted to be respected for my personal performance, not because of the insignia on my collar, so I didn't really fit the military images either.

Politics ... religion ... socio-economic ... education ... So many criteria we use to judge and categorize people.  Just like you, I am an individual with personal likes and dislikes, strong opinions, convictions, and beliefs. I've ALIVE ... imperfect ... flawed ... changing ... growing ... challenging ... seeking ... and I care for people ... for individuals. Just when you think you have me figured out ... BOOM!  I'll do or say something that doesn't seem to line up. Have I suddenly changed, or am I still me being me? What's my identity!

I tend to become defensive when I, or someone I care about, is "coerced" into something they may not want or believe.  With all the political JUNK going on these days, there is a lot of prejudice.  A few days ago, I wrote a piece about my stand about Iraq.  You may disagree with me, but it is inaccurate to toss me into the pile of "ignorant, uninformed, unthinking Americans" (or other such labels) just because my viewpoint differs from yours.  The same applies to personal, spiritual beliefs.  I happen to believe that Jesus is God incarnate, now residing, by means of the Holy Spirit, within humans who admit their need for Him ... but that doesn't mean I embrace every theological, behavioral, or hypocritical doctrine that you may ascribe to "Christians." 

Bottom line? None of us belong in a box. I try not to put my expectations on others or afix premature labels on others for my convenience. Please try to return the favor. This is ME ... feeling my way through this life, mistakes and all! OK? Thanks for your indulgence! 

~ B